Why am I like this? I like to believe that I’m better than those that I despise, that what I do is more noble than them, but it’s hard. I more I do to outshine others, the more my intentions go bleak. It’s hard to understand whether people are out to get me, or if my own suspicions are backfiring on me. I try to go through my day completely independent of others opinions, to keep my head up, to stay positive. But I have a hard time doing any combination of two of those things. It’s a hard battle and I don’t know if other people can understand. I don’t know if its my so called vision, or if its the drugs clouding it. Fuck it, I’ll figure it out.
Not saying I’m jealous or anything, but I definitely feel sad when I see you two. Its more on the what could have been side, it really is.
Why do I always seem to find myself putting more into this relationship than you? Because I love you, I changed my fucking everyday life so I would fucking please you. I really would like to see some appreciation, some sign that you care. I hold myself back from doing so much shit for you, but when it comes to your agenda, if I don’t let you do something then I’m being irrational. I fucking love it.
I don’t have much, so excuse me if I sound so paranoid.
I have a jealous heart, I’ll admit, people tell me not to be that way. But answer me this, am I not the only one who truly knows how I feel. In all honesty unless you’re me, you cannot tell me what and what I shouldn’t be feeling. People tell me not to be jealous, wouldn’t you feel the same if you felt the very things you hold dear can be compromised? Sorry for defending my bounty, but in this world I will not make any mistakes. I will keep what is mine, any sign of disrespect will send me over the edge.
I’m happy for you. We’ve had our past and shit, and I’m glad to see you with someone that looks like a good guy. Is it not weird to think of our past and see where we are today? Who knows how things are supposed to turn out, shit, I’m not God. I wasn’t the best to you, hopefully this guy is what you were looking for. See you around.
I wish you would change, I wish you would give me heads up, don’t get all emotional and not tell me what’s wrong. This is the one thing that annoys me most, and you know it. I hate to be left in the dark, I hate not knowing, if something is bothering you don’t expect me to know right off the bat, you need to tell me.
Why must I be the only one who has to hold back? Whenever I try to stand for something I believe in, I always hear the same thing, stop, calm down. Is it because people are scared? Is it because they know I’m right? I hate the fact that to seem normal I need to bottle in my emotions. I like to let people know when I’m mad, when I’m sad, rarely am I happy. Only in those instances when I’m in the company with my girlfriend, my good friends, or my family. I’ve tried my very best to be accepting, to be more considerate, it wears on you, and I for one can not take it anymore. Half of the week I want to die, the other half I feel as if I have too much to do to simply just die. I’m torn on the inside because I know my intentions are good, but people don’t seem to understand why I react to things the way I do. If you truly loved something, wouldn’t you protect it? If you truly believed in your ways, wouldn’t you defend it?
I honestly lost myself. It was a mistake to seek knowledge. It was a mistake to try and open my eyes. Once they were opened I could not close them. This is what has torn me up inside, no longer am I happy, in the back of my head there is always the thought of all the fucked up shit in the world. I tried to gain knowledge, I tried to show everyone what I thought was right. Yet, no one ever told me they were proud of me. Most days out of the week, I want to die. Its so hard knowing that your family only views you as the angry child, when you know for a fact you just want to do something right. I get mad because I want to defend what I think is right, but no, to everyone when I get mad, its just me with my inherited hot blood. It’s impossible for me to stay calm, and it makes me exhausted trying to keep my head up when I know I will just be looked down upon.
Is this what we’ve been reduced to? It’s driving me mad, what happened to the past when you would TELL me when we were having problems. Now look at you, putting childish ambiguous shit up on twitter, as if I didn’t know they were caused/about me. You’re really over everything you say? Over what? Every little thing I’ve done for you? Let’s not forget all the driving I’ve done for a year, all the patience I have put into this relationship, all the money spent? Jesus Christ look at yourself, making yourself the victim, yeah a victim over nothing. I honestly hope your doing this solely because it’s your time of the month. If there is something that needs to be said, then say it, I won’t interrupt you or tell you otherwise, I’ll listen.
